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Okay, my story starts back in 2008.... (No I wasn't even having sex back then) but my cousin on my dad's side was. She and I are the same age so that would put us to be about 15 then. She had a stillborn son who she named Cayden at 5 months into her pregnancy. She and her boyfriend went to the doctors to find out the sex of their baby when instead they found out their baby boy had no heartbeat. I remember going to the hospital room a few hours after they induced her labor and thinking "better her than me"
Oh how I hate that I thought that now. So after her long labor she had his funeral at Jewel-Rittman. I remember I cried harder than I ever had at a funeral before.... the thought that that baby never did anything wrong but God let him die was appalling to me. We when went to the cemetery of course and had the grave side service.... being a bunch of red necks the boys in the family dug the hole and then filled it back up over baby Cayden while the rest of us simply watched useless. I remember these words that Patricia said to all of us trying to comfort her as if she just said it a second ago, "If anyone else has a baby die I want you to know I'm willing to let them share the other half of Cayden's grave." When she said that a shiver went through my body and a thought went through my head saying "She's talking to you" I tried to rebuke that thought but it always stayed in the back of my mind.
December 26th, 2009 I found out I was pregnant at 17 years old. I was happy but scarred at the same time. My parents weren’t angry just highly disappointed in me. I could have cared less.Yes, I'm admitting that James and I had unprotected sex and wanted a baby. And no I still have not told my parents that’s what happened and don't think I ever will.... I have said things like "we wanted him so bad you just don't understand" but I don't know if they figured it out or not and if they have they wont say anything to me about it now after everything.... Anyhow, I was a very paranoid pregnant woman. I always thought something is going to go wrong. On Cayden's Angelversery April 10th I was in the bathroom in a panic attack 5 months pregnant.... Throwing up and peeing on myself every time. I called the hospital 100x that night in a panic my dad came over and stayed with me while my mom was at work. I couldn't convince myself at all that everything is going to be okay, but Jamiz was moving around a lot that day so he calmed me down some but I stayed worried.
July 21, 2010 James and I got into a REALLY bad argument one thing led to another, I don't want to talk to much about it, but James ended up going to jail for two counts of battery that the state put on him. And I was sent to the L&D floor to have contractions stopped from the stress and fall from the situation. PLEASE don't be someone who is going to be like "You need to get out" because I heard it all that day from the social workers and my mom. I don't want anyone to judge James or myself for past mistakes that wont repeat themselves because lessons have already been learned and he and I have worked out the issue and put the past in the past.
ANYHOW.... With James is jail and I 8 months pregnant I was even MORE stressed out the rest of my pregnancy.....
Monday August 23 I went to the hospital in the worst pain of my life. I was hooked up to the monitors and Jamiz was kicking up a storm. I remember making the comment "He's just like his daddy making a beat any chance he can get" because he was kicking the heart monitor in a drum rhythm and I started calling him mommies little drummer. Well test came back all the pain was caused from a
severe bladder infection so I was given anti-biotic and sent home. Wednesday
August 25 I went to the doctors for my last check up before my due date and sat up my induction date if Jamiz didn't come on his own which was September 3rd. Doctor went to listen to his heart beat and there was what felt like a lifetime before he found the heartbeat. Doctor said everything sounded good and the reason for the delay was because Jamiz had turned just right where the monitor couldn't pick it up. He then checked me said I was 2 cm dilated and striped my membranes. And I went home.
That night I went home went and soaked in the bath and had a SHARP pain go through my stomach and got really light headed Jamiz stuck his legs out so far I thought my belly was about to pop open and he be born that way and called the hospital to tell them what was going on and to be ready for me because I believed I was in labor. They told me not to come in till the contractions come and go ever 5 mins so I waited. Nothing, when I say nothing I mean nothing not even a kick.... I talked to my mom about it and she said it must have been a Braxton Hick and that he must be sleeping and to go to bed just incase I do go into labor so that I would have my rest. So I did I woke up the next day and my belly felt and looked strange all the older ladies in the neighborhood said that was due to labor being around the corner. When I said that I didn't feel him kicking they assured me that was completely normal as well because he is ready to come out and he ran out of room to move in. So I trusted them.... why shouldn't I have they all went through it they know what they are talking about but just to be on the safe side I called the hospital and they told me the same thing.
August 27th due date still nothing and still being assured everything was okay and that since I was a 1st time mom and so young I'm causing myself to stress over nothing.
August 29 12pm woke up in labor. laid in bed till I couldn't take the pain anymore yelled for my mom to help me out of bed and get down the stairs and she called the hospital and told them it's most definitely time and that we were on our way with car seat and all our bags. We get there the thought "They aren’t going to find a heart beat" goes through my head I rebuke it and follow the nurse to my room. She goes to put the heart and contraction monitors on and her happy smiling face changes (if you ever seen Marley and Me that’s the exact face she had, but you know the face from experience as well) she says she's just the nurse that does records and that she didn't know what she was doing and she would be back with a more experienced nurse. She closed the door and I begin to cry, they didn't have to tell me I already knew, My baby was dead. When she came back in she had 5 nurses one being the head nurse all with expressionless faces. All of them tried and tried to find his heart beat they kept trying till my doctor (who was off call that day) showed up in his shorts and flip flops to do an ultra sound. He's all happy and smiling when he gets there and makes the joke "Oh he's just being a tough guy and giving us a hard time" and I watched his face the whole time.... slowly the smile faded... his eyes got bigger his breathing slowed and sometimes even stopped. He lend back in his chair and told one of the nurses to go get the doctor on call to confirm the diagnoses. The world around me turned black. The words that came out of his mouth was like he was standing at the other end of a tunnel they were "I'm sorry your baby is gone." The other doctor comes in. I'm shacking. Everything was out of my control. Both doctors look at the screen the new arrival confirms what has been already determined and turns the screen for me to see. He points out the head first, then the kidneys and liver, then he stops and looks at me and says "See this area right here( points at screen) that’s your son's heart. It's not beating."
BAM, there it was. I was now looking at a live ultra sound and seeing my dead baby. I look at everyone’s faces best I could.... its hard to see through tears that wont stop or come out fast enough so that I could get a good 2 seconds of perfect view. I looked at them and said "What now. Your not going to make me push out a dead baby. You can't. You won’t. Please don't make me do it." They both agreed and said if I wanted a C-Section I may but neither one could do it and they do not recommend it for my health or future children’s health. So I agreed to pushing. They started me on pain killers and kept them coming because the guy who was going to do my epidural was doing a surgery and wouldn't be there till the surgery was done. So about 3-5 hours later I get my epidural. The one you don't push a button for but the one that keeps on coming none stop... needless to say I was high as a kite and had so many nerve relaxers but still I was feeling as though no one understood my pain. Not so much physical but my heart. It hurt. Nothing they gave me stopped it from hurting. I was shaking. No matter how many blankets and meds they gave me to stop be from doing so helped
none.
I wanted James there. I only wanted James. He would make things better if he could make it. And since the jail wouldn't let him out it was their fault. All of this was their fault. At least that’s what I was thinking at the time. 0:00pm "It's time to start pushing" says my nurse. "I'm going to call the doctor and he'll brake your water and we'll go from there." "Okay" is the only thing that I can think of saying. Doctor comes in breaks my water, which from the pressure of Jamiz's head in the birth canal it shoots and hits the wall. He makes mental note, which he tells me later, that there was blood in the fluid. Now I'm pushing. Jamiz's head gets stuck. A noise comes from done there. A nasty noise. I ask if I ripped. Nurse says no. Doctor sits back in his chair he tells me to take a break for a second and breath. His face... he looked like he was about to be sick it was pasty white. Doctors aren’t suppose to look like that are they? My mom loses her balance my grandma has to reach over and hold her up. This wasn't a good situation. I couldn't figure it out what it was. Nurse feels a contraction coming on
again “Okay Sarah you need to push again" I hear her say. "Okay" Again is the only thing I can think of. Doctor clears his throat and goes back down to coach Jamiz through. "ONE more push Sarah" the nurse says. They lay him on my belly. "Do you want to see him before we clean him up?" " No I want him clean before I look at him" I say. I look at my grandma and my mom "Is he pretty?" "Beautiful" they say at the same time. "Is he normal? Does he have all his body parts?" "Yes" one of the nurses says. Okay... And I wait for him to be brought back in.
Nurse comes in holding my son. Before she hands him to me says "I have to tell you before you see him that on his way out his skull cracked so his head is a little longer than normal but other wise he's perfect" She hands him to me. I look at him and I'm scarred I don't want him to break anymore. I fall
in love with the most lovely baby I ever seen. I look up and ask "What’s wrong with his skin?" She explains he had been passed away for a few days and just the first layer was pilling off like a sun burn from being in the fluid for such a long period of time.
I held him in my room with me as long as I could until the smell of D.K. became to strong for me to handle. Which would be about 12 hours. I did as many mommy things that I could. I sang to him, talked about his daddy and how much he loved him, how much I loved him, asked him why.... why did he leave me, I changed his diaper, and played with him. I loved his hands and feet. If I held his hand just right it looked and felt like he was holding mine as well...
I let him go. I watched the nurse cover my baby’s head with a towel before she left the room I was screaming "I love you baby boy" and blowing kisses until she left the room and then I curled up in my bed and cried myself to sleep. The nurses kept trying to get me to go to another floor for my last night stay. I refused to leave my room. I laid in bed and heard babies scream their first cry while their mothers heard me scream my broken hearted cry.
The day I was being sent home I get a call from the jail "Miss Sarah Anderson I am calling you to let you know James L. Tucker is being released at 2 o'clock today" Anger set in. Why did the let him out the day after?
September 1 James and I go to Jewel-Rittman together and dress our baby boy for his funeral. Daddy gets to meet his son.... He doesn’t hold him. Must have been to hard. Jamiz's color had changed from the chemical bath they soaked him in instead of embombing. He was stiff.... but still that was my baby boy and I loved him so much.
September 2nd funeral and burial. Everyone kept saying "Look how strong she is" Truth is I wasn't really there.... My body was but my mind no. I took as much pain killers that I could that morning. So I was high and just walking around.... We laid Jamiz to rest on the other half of Caydens grave. And we watched as they laid my baby to rest I threw a handful of dirt in and went to jump into the grave to be buried with him but my Aunt, Cayden's grandma, came and directed me to my set. I watched James shovel 2 times 1 for me and 1 for him.... then we sat beside each other and watched the men we hired to bury our hopes, dreams, future, our baby boy.
I later find out that Jamiz's placenta caught and infection which caused his death..... The autopsy called it "a distinct form of chronic villitis of unknown etiology (VUE)"
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